Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
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I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard