“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
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ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
forgive me baja for i have blast
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Jail
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.