Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

Broom by every window for quick escape.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.