Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

ㅤ

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.