dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
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Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.