Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
[Dumbo meeting, 1941]
WALT DISNEY: Let’s make a new kids movie
WRITER: Will it be funny?
WALT: No, it’ll be about a sad baby elephant
WRITER: Who tells jokes?
WALT: No, he’s taken from his mom
WRITER: To somewhere fun?
WALT: No, the circus
WRITER: ….everything ok at home, sir?
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Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?
Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?
Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so
Me: *leans in close* If I find out-
Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me
If anyone pulls a quarter from behind your ear you chloroform them and put them in chains in your basement and you’ll always have quarters.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
hey, a mime!
*mime starts having heart attack*
hes pretending to die lol
*hours later still watching his body*
wow hes good
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”