*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
You Might Also Like
Breaking news:
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.