Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

Just so funny