Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
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THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Spring of Deception
