Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
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I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…