Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
You Might Also Like
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it