dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
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7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I think they could have phrased this better
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree