dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
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*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Knock Knock
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
We all have our pet causes.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?