Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

Every. Damn. Time.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”