Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

Brilliant!

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?