Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

A customer told me they were never coming back….

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

The median voter

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”