[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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