[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
You Might Also Like
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”