Dumple
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I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
sleeping beauty
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy