Dumple
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[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years