Dumple
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Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
best first i’ve ever seen
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves