Dumplings,
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Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.