Dumplings,
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In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.