Dumplings,
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
saw this in a dream
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.