Dumplings,
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Good news
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I feel it
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.