Dumplings,
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The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.