*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit

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The trouble with cops is if one’s a douchebag you can’t ask to speak to a manager.


Any room can be a panic room when your dog brings a live armadillo into the house.


6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one


MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?


Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.


Silent Night,
Holy Night,
All is calm,


Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.


I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.


Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW