@JhonRules

*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit

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@SadieSmithRoks

Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

@FeelingEuphoric

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

@PinkCamoTO

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

@PajamaStew

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

@Brampersandon_

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

@kathbarbadoro

Me: IDK why I’m so down lately. Maybe this is an indication that I need to reevaluate the priorities or figure out how to make meaning in my life
My friends: The moon is weird right now
Me: Yeah nevermind it’s definitely because the moon is weird right now

@agnessaintcalf

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

@aveuaskew

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

@bartandsoul

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting