Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.
*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit
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Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Me: IDK why I’m so down lately. Maybe this is an indication that I need to reevaluate the priorities or figure out how to make meaning in my life
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Me: Yeah nevermind it’s definitely because the moon is weird right now
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting