When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
No. YOU-buprofen.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*