Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?