Dune (2021)
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Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours