Dune (2021)
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[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.