Dune (2021)
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Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Bit chilly again tonight.
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Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
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Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it