Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
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Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
the battle rages on
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I’d love this…lol
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
🤣
