Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

I didn’t realize that was an option

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.