Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
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🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
The point of your 20s
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
He has no idea 🤡
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday