Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
genius
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.