Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I am all good here, 😂😉
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean