Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
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Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.