@onyxaminedlife

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

@Mr_Kapowski

Wife: We went hiking where there’s newts

Daughter: What’s a newt?

Me: *barely able to contain my dad joke* NOT MUCH, WHAT’S NEWT WITH YOU?

@dorseyshaw

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

@CodyJP9412

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

@jensenmarie_

GUIDE TO BEING BATMAN:
1. Lose parents, inherit everything
2. Let people get murdered
3. Never murder the Joker cause he’s the best at puns

@Ochayethewu

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

@primawesome

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”