[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
You Might Also Like
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?