[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
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I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon