Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

Midwest trash talk

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas