“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
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If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Yes, this is exactly right
Happy Thanksgiving
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?