“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.