Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
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Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
*praying for world peace*
God:
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
i hope my email finds you on fire
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene