Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
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If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.