Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
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I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
(True)
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually