Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Voting for coroner

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…