Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

My love language is deader than Latin

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy