Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
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Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.