Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
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When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
my mind
You just read my mind
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.