dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
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Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
