dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
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Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I feel seen
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Lmao 😁
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.