dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
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Jesus Christ lmao
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
boys are so easy to impress
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.