Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
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My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Jesus Christ lmao
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
even bears disappoint their mothers
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.