Duolingo getting serious.
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
the answer was staring at me all along
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight