Duolingo getting serious.
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a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything