duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
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Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.