@ThatsSoCorri

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

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@gorrdano

I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.

@Tmoney68

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

@bdbdleeroybrown

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

@McNevich

Had pumpkin flavored coffee this morning and immediately signed up for a Zumba class and kidnapped 2 kids and drove them to a soccer field

@DraggingFeeties

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

@JosephScrimshaw

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

@SardonicTart

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

@Nikkeya08

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid