I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
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My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Had pumpkin flavored coffee this morning and immediately signed up for a Zumba class and kidnapped 2 kids and drove them to a soccer field
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid