Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

No selfies while hijacking a train.

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

bout dat hot dog summer

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)