Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
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one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
When news reporters do sports stories
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!