Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

this is uni

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.