Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

My Guy

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there