Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
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Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.