Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
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EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
“no gods no masters” = leo
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
