Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
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Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*