Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
You Might Also Like
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
handsome & gretel
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate