[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
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me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places