Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

Roses are red
Violets are blue

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH