Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.