[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: