During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
You Might Also Like
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this