During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
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According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
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sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.