[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
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Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
He a real one for that
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime