Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

This one’s “Alex”.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

The USS B port

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up