*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
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Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
The point of your 20s
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!