Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.