During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
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Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.