During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Sunday
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers