During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
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I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I pray every night that I never become religious…
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”