During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
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I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Covert ops
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
handsome & gretel
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some