During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog