me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
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The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.