[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
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The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.