[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
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My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Is this a threat?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.