During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
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Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
🥲
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
