Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

Make me look younger

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?